My biggest battle

I haven't been on here for while, but it's definitely time for me to let some things out. I've been through  a rough week, lots of ups and downs, but who doesn't go through that. I guess I just keep trying to keep hope in my life. But I think the biggest thing that I have had to conquer over and over again is trust. And I guess trust means so much to me because my biggest fear is being hurt. And yes, most of us have been through that feeling time and time again, but it doesn't stop you from trying and it doesn't stop us from remembering what it felt like. And the last time I got hurt I made a promise to myself to tell the truth no matter what because I didn't want anyone else to go through what I went through and how much pain I felt. Truthfully, I wouldn't want anyone to go through that. But I guess what I have a hard time understanding is why do people lie and have secrets, and try to cover up every inch of their life, especially if they claim to love that person so much? And if you love more than one person the don't you owe both the truth? Truthfully a lot of people are selfish and are scared that they will lose out. It's not that they care about another person's feelings when they lie, it's because they don't know how they will cope with their own life if they get caught. And to some people it's worth it. But not me. I can't be in someone's life if I always have to wonder is this person telling the truth, or am I the only person, or is he or she going to get mad and walk out of my life if I tell them this information. I feel that for a long time the only thing I've ever wanted was to have my family, friends, and the love of my life and for all of us to be happy. Now of course everyone isn't going to be happy all the time, but at least I know that we can get through it and no one else will break into the picture to destroy what made us so great in the first place. I think a lot of people care about what everyone else thinks and what they think of them but why? They can't be your friends if they will judge you every step of the way or be mad at you for making your own decisions. Also, a lot of people take other people for granted and never really think deeply  about what if you lost those you loved for good? It doesn't have to be death, but so close to that feeling that you would contemplate if they were or not. Sometimes it's hard getting to the bottom of the truth, but in reality you've known the truth all this time. That feeling in the pit of your stomach or that feeling in your chest that pops up out of no where says something is wrong. And sometimes it's as close to the truth as you're going to get, and sometimes it's just enough for you to let go and say goodbye. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Sometimes you're wrong, but if that person is not helping you get to the bottom of the truth or helping you trust them, then you have to do what you feel. It's never a one way street in life and nothing is ever just black and white.